Men make up about 50% of the populace, as God is the ultimate heavenly mathematician. Husbands make up about 50% of heterosexual married couples!
Yet to listen and read modern pundits who manufacture the western Christian teaching one would think married problems are 99% the fault of males.
Not so. Not by a long shot…
You hear things like “all the marriage needs is for the husband to lay down his life like Christ did His church.” And everything will be fine they lament…
But this is dead wrong. It’s all part and parcel of the destruction of God’s ordained order in His family structure…with the male husband and father the main target.
Well, we all agree that husbands do need to lay down their life…to a point. But it never means being a wimp…or doormat…or continuing to be disrespected by a wife who routinely subjects her husband to abuse and neglect.
As I create this teaching in the Spirit, I recall fondly when I spoke with at least five married Christian men. We were in discipleship with each other and a part of the conversation was about marriage and women. We’re certain the topic of Christian women may very often include Christian men!
Eventually, we ended up that the main topic, once again, was the wholesale failure of western Christian women and their leaders in the His body to identify, rebuke, and change the gross disrespect towards Christian men…especially the husband.
I declared I can’t think of five Christian women, as I held my hand up and looked at my fingers, that I would point a serious young woman in order to learn how to effectively respect a Christian husband in holiness.
How Wide Spread Is This?
It’s pandemic, I’m afraid.
God is the ultimate Husband, and He divorced Israel for repeated adultery (Jeremiah 3). Did He just need to lay His life down “more” for her? Wait, He already did that in Jesus Christ before the foundation of the world. So much for that argument in always solving this problem.
It didn’t “work” for God now, did it? No, sir.
This is also in tandem when well-meaning people tell a consistently abused and severely neglected wife to just “submit” more. She may just need to leave for a while. Or for good when the unrepentant husband refuses to repent and change his ways to align with true love.
For excellent teaching on marriage and divorce and understanding God’s intention for the marital contract made by couples in front of Him on their wedding day, we offer dear brother David Instone-Brewer’s work from the UK right here.
And there’s a good reason God always addresses the wife first in the new main New Covenant passages: Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 2-3, along with Titus 2. He knows the tremendous influence the woman has over the man. Any man…married or not.
This in no way is intended to be an exhaustive article, but to cover the high points since the teaching (or lack of it) in the western body of Christ on this is so bad.
It’s atrocious. No other word will suffice, I’m afraid.
Mainly, it’s mostly in error and missing altogether. Yet, to keep the system churning, the squirrel cage running, careful smiles and self-congratulations increases each year as the dire problem escalates.
The Three Things Defined
So, then…what are the three things men need to know they’re respected? Notice God says to respect them, not love them. Love in inherent in respect. In reverse order of importance, we lay them at your feet for full consideration.
3. Domestic service
Almost any man loves to eat and come home to a clean and tidy home. If you’re a wife, especially in the west, lately you’ve been taught that your husband needs to share all, or most, of the household work. If you work outside the home, we can see that as a help at times. But most often, men are responsible for certain areas alone that their women are relieved of in helping out.
If you’re a stay at home wife, and mom, your husband can help at times, but to expect (or contend) that it’s your right he do so all the time is incorrect. I know a lot of women that are busy with the wrong things and neglecting the home front: children, grandchildren, church activities, shopping, social media and on and on.
Drop all superfluous activities of real eternal value and in the eyes of your Creator and concentrate on job #1: your husband’s respect.
Ask him respectfully what needs to go, and “…let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God (1 Peter 3:4).” And actually do it. Not just talk about it. If, indeed, you do ever talk about it.
Stop fighting with him. Submit in all things, not just what you want. That’s selfish service. God’s promise is clear: “In the same way (as a harsh master treats a slave just before in chapter 2), you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior (Peter 3:1-2).”
Some women tell me that’s to “unsaved husbands” in context. Yes, we know that. But after he’s saved, then you can contend and fuss with and disrespect him to get your way and straighten him out? To your heart’s content? Not so, says the Almighty.
2. Daily respectful admiration and honor
Men need their women to admire them. Whether it’s mothers to sons, or wives to husbands, sisters to brothers, it’s a God given need. Daily. In our experience, every husband has a treasure of items you can verbally and physically thank him for as you go about the day. Ask the Lord, and He will help.
You can even register for our email series here about ‘Daily Respecting Husbands’ for lots of ideas to prime the pump and remind you to do so.
What is it that comes to mind now? Does he touch you in a loving way? Does he hold your hand? If not, how about thanking him for keeping a steady job? Putting up with all the difficulty and politics on the job? Being sexually faithful? Spending time (even if a very little) with the children or grandchildren? Running errands for you? Fixing things around the home? Keeping himself physically presentable? How about staying out of jail or prison? Did this ever enter your mind, sister?
Try one morning every week instead of ‘devotions’ to ask God for His list of your man, or men. Write it down. Begin asking the Lord what He thinks is your men’s accomplishments.
Be a student especially of your husband…he is, after all, your #1 job to God.
Tell him and touch him with loving grace. Touch his arm, hold his hand, look into his eyes, smile deeply. Do it every day at least once. Keep a list if you must. Alarm a phone if you must. You’ll melt his heart if it’s stony…and if you stop contending with him. And stop controlling him. Stop it. Now…
You don’t know my husband, you might say. He’s harsh. He’s aloof. He’s selfish. He’s_____. Fill in the blank(s). Again, if he’s physically abusive or consistently and unduly verbally abusive, you may need to leave for a while as a first step.
Let’s say he’s harsh, and you react back to remind him or set him straight. You’re harsh in return. Hear me here: depending on the relationship and situation at the time, wives and women can make a Godly appeal to the man. But what does the Word of God say as a rule might be your normal response.
We must look first at 1 Peter 2 to get our clue:
1 Peter 2:17-25 Honor all people, love the brotherhood, fear God, honor the king.
Servants (which includes wives), be submissive to your masters (and husbands) with all respect, not only to those who are good and gentle, but also to those who are unreasonable. For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a person bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly.
For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God.
For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, WHO COMMITTED NO SIN, NOR WAS ANY DECEIT FOUND IN HIS MOUTH; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously; and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed.
For you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls.
Ok, now the stage is set…our brother Peter continues on.
1 Peter 3:1-6 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.
For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.
Mostly western Christian women now are chafing under this command, and are running to the next verse about the husband and pointing that out to him.
Do you want your marriage to improve, dear wife? Do you want the Lord God to make it glorious for His pleasure?
Then obey this clear directive…and watch your Red Sea part over time. It may only take a few days. Get the speck, or beam, out of your own eye.
As Debi Pearl says, improve your performance on your part as a wife and you’ll see a 200% change. Start with yourself. Don’t you tell your husband the same thing?
And the top respectful behavior for husbands from their wives hands down? No mystery here.
1. Proactive, frequent sexual celebration
A husband’s entire fabric of life is tied to this mystery of sexual expression and admiration. Years ago, a bomb shell of a Hollywood actress was the rage. I heard a man lament by saying, “Yeah, but I bet she can’t cook.” His friend said with a knowing gleam in his eye, “I’ll do all the cooking!”
Most Christian men I know are in various stages of sexual frustration and neglect. From just plain quota sex to blatant refusal of a wife to service him and causing sexual starvation, the landscape is littered with irritated, agitated, feisty men who are never, ever truly satisfied. Pornography is often the escape, and if so, the wife is a party to his stumbling. Few wives are 100% unable to service their husbands sexually as God commands.
Gals, this is the main key to his heart. It’s God’s idea for holy sex! Take it up with Him if you must. At the end here, we have a link to excellent writings and resources on sex, including Mark Driscoll’s outstanding series on the Song of Solomon.
But this article here is the absolute best condensation of why sex is so important to a man, and your husband. The Dillow’s and Pintus’ book Intimacy Ignited is a classic, especially the latter chapters dealing with sexual creativity and overcoming sexual hang-ups of all types. Especially those encountered by woman at the hands of predatory men.
Your husband should not be penalized long term by a wife’s past in causing sexual problems. God is on our side!
A dear brother and wife who run The Marriage Bed website run a survey for sex-positive Christians. About 50% of husbands say they get “way less sex that I want,” and another 20% say “less sex than I want.”
That’s 8 out of ten men in your church body. Wives, are you listening here?
The Wife’s #1 Job In Front of God
The #1 job is to respect your husband. The #1 area of respect is sex he will proclaim to you over and over if given the courage.
Again, we quote Debi Pearl…
Do you love your husband the way he needs loving, the way you were created to love him? If you don’t score high points here, you are providing an opening for your husband to be tempted by other women. It is a man’s duty to walk in truth and have high integrity, but a woman who trusted a man’s ability to endure all things, while providing circumstances that testing to the max, is a fool.
It is your duty to fill his sexual needs. His faithful responsibility to you, and you are staying him are both equally important, and we wives was given account before God for faithfulness in this area. I call it “ministering” to my husband. He says I am a mighty fine minister.
There’s so much to help on our sex page with specifics, I’ll not spend any more time here. Enjoy God’s gracious gift, as a heterosexual married couple!
What the husband doesn’t need is more contention, a fight. He needs more submission to his desires, his commands. Even if he’s harsh…
Proverbs 19:13 A foolish son is destruction to his father, and the contentions of a wife are a constant dripping.
Proverbs 21:9 It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
Proverbs 21:19 It is better to live in a desert land than with a contentious and vexing woman.
Proverbs 25:24 It is better to live in a corner of the roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
Proverbs 27:15 A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike…
So, what does a man need from a woman?
Respect. Meaning to show and feel honor, esteem, high regard, deference, consideration. It’s active, habitual, and freely given.
It’s the key to harmony from the women’s interaction with men, whether in marriage, between mother and son, etc:
You show respect to your husband in three main ways. 3. Domestic service, 2. Daily respectful admiration, 1. Sexual celebration.
Ephes. 5:33b …the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
Register here for the Daily Respecting Husbands email series.
Please comment on this post right below. Feel free to write and proclaim your leadings in the Spirit in an honorable fashion.
Your friend and brother in fighting the good fight,
Saints, we’re one day closer to Home, and Him! Love Him wholeheartedly!
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Please comment on this post right below. Feel free to write and proclaim your leadings in the Spirit in an honorable fashion.
Marc White, Director, Walk Worthy Ministries, www.WalkWorthy.org