Oh boy, you might say, “Here we go.” As a current renowned teacher of God’s word declares: to you is sex god…gross…or gift?
There’s three things a husband needs from his wife. And they’re the same whether you all are saved or lost! Imagine that…sort of like gravity that works for everybody who is mortal.
Of those three, joyful, proactive, frequent sexual celebration is the #1 way a husband is respected by his wife and knows the world is as it should be with her at the time. If sex is important to Satan, then it’s important to God.
Again…it’s the #1 way men know all is right with the world and with his woman, his wife.
There’s both great fruit and much scorn over Michael and Debi Pearl’s ministry called No Greater Joy. Countless marriages and families have been radically changed by their advice, especially that advice devoted to the wife. Some things I vehemently disagree with and have written about them and to the Pearl’s from time to time.
Sister Debi’s main work on marriage is her book Created To Be His Help Meet. Overall, 80-90% of the book is excellent, and the stories are priceless.
The overriding theme is that wives have a much greater influence on their husbands than vice versa. And, if a wife wants her husband to change, she must change first, quit hassling and controlling the husband, and honor him all the days of her life. We completely agree and have seen the results in marriages ourselves. You may read our work on the wife’s 400% influence on marriage right here.
But be forewarned: the demons hate these kinds of books like the Pearl’s and many Christian women and wives will seek vigorously to discredit this work. They care to continue to rule over their husbands, even if they are deceived about it! I’ve seen and heard of Christian women throwing the book across the room, or throwing it away in disgust.
The book must be on to something!
Debi says a husband is putty in the hands of a wife he can trust and honors him. She’s absolutely right. And a rigorous, proactive, and honorable sex life is the key ingredient.
Two cautions: Michael Pearl writes in the book that the wife should get her instruction from her husband only, but he instructs women right in the book! Next, Debi relates a story of one wife who praises the husband as being wonderful in all ways when he clearly was acting abusively like a jerk. This one instance, we believe, is lying. But the wife can almost always find things to praise and honor their man on a daily basis unless there’s physical or extreme emotional or verbal abuse and she must leave the scene if that’s her current situation.
Also, the Bible in 1 Peter 3 speaks to women as winning their husbands to Jesus without a word by their chaste and respectful behavior. Debi has made a few appeals to Michael over the years. But it seems that more appeals may be in line than what she recommends.
Other than that, it’s a great resource.
Remember, Christian wife, respectful sex is a matter of physiology to your husband. In other words it’s a physical need…not a “want.” If you continue to have problems reconciling that with your life, please take it up with God. Sex is His idea, and we say ‘Go God!’
And, we certainly don’t want to be causing anyone to stumble in any way, shape, or form.
Taken from Created to Be His Help Meet – by Debi Pearl
Loving him means putting his needs before your own. I am the minister or if you are a wife, you, too, are a minister. Our ministry is directed toward our husbands and then our children. We were, and are, created to be help meets. Every day and every night we need to be ready to minister to his needs…
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Pearl,
I am in a dilemma in need you guys to write my wife and tell her what I say is true. My wife thinks I am a sex pervert because I need sex. She feels I am not sensitive to your needs when I want sex and she doesn’t, which is most of the time. She will give me sex, but it hurts her feelings that I do not love her enough to consider her first. I tried to explain to her that to a man sex is just like having to eat. When I am missed a meal I consciously roam the kitchen, opening cabinet doors, and peer into the refrigerator, just looking and looking.
I told her that a few days without sex leaves me in the same condition sexually no matter how much I love her and respect her feelings and needs. I still have this overwhelming sexual need to drives me until it is satisfied.
There are very few times when everything is just right for her. She is exhausted…or whenever she comes up with. I tried to explain to her that she is setting me up for temptation, and that really set her off. Now I am not only a pervert, I am also unfaithful in my heart, so she is upset every time a good-looking girl walks by.
Please tell her that I am just downright need my woman. That’s the bottom line, I am normal, all guys need a woman. She said I made it until I was 23 without sex, so why do I have to have it now? I told her when I was single, I did not have to see one undress or lie in the bed and now I could if I wanted to. I just want to come home and be a family man. I want to crawl into bed at night with my woman who was glad that I am remaining, and I want to make love every few days so I don’t have to think about girls at work.
You write her and explain all this to her? Maybe she heard it from you she might understand that I have feelings too, physical feelings as well as emotional feelings.
…for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined under his wife, and a two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the Church. Ephesians 5:31-32
God’s goal for you is to meet your man’s needs…God’s original intention was that a woman would spend her life helping her husband fulfill his dreams and ambitions.
From the beginning, God meant for us to comfort, be a blessing, a friend, bring encouragement, and be a right-hand woman.
Frame of reference (for men)
A man’s concept of love and marriage is different from a woman’s, especially after has gone without sex for a few days. This book is not a “how-to” for a man. I will skip his part, and deal with the ladies part. God describes marriage as “two shall be one flesh,” which is, their bodies coming together.
Many men feel that marriage is not quite what they thought it was going to be. Some men spent their youth dreaming about the wild passion that they are going to experience with one woman they love more than life. It is their expression of the oneness they will have with her alone. This is truly God’s design for a man in the department of love.
The man remembers the passionate and loving looks his sweetheart had for him before marriage. He had naturally assumed that she would always think of him in that at all consuming, loving way. When they were courting, that is the way she made him feel. He saw it reflected in her face. All he wanted was to satisfy that hungry animal he thought she was, and, for a while, she was all he had hoped for, but then it faded away.
She wasn’t interested anymore.
Her disinterest in him sexually is a reflection of her heart, and he knows it. There are a multitude of excuses women use to explain why they she would “rather not” or why they “cannot respond” sexually. I believe I’ve heard them all. Her husband knows in his spirit that all your excuses are just that: excuses for not wanting him.
When a woman is not interested in his most consuming passion, he feels that she is not interested in him. When a woman just “allows, cooperates, and tolerates,” he leaves a man feeling sick at heart. If, to a man, sex was just copulation, he would make his deposit and be satisfied, but to him it is intimacy, a merging of spirits, a way of saying, “I love you… I need you… I like you.” A man’s most basic needs are warm sexual love, approval, and admiration. For his wife to be willing but indifferent, speaks of neither sex nor love.
A woman is a fool to believe her own excuses or to think she can convince him that what she says is the truth. Her half commitment makes him feel incomplete and unloved. By not obeying God in this arena of sex and love, a woman is putting a terrible curse on her husband. When a woman forces a man into that position, it is the equivalent of a man saying to his wife, “You are a stupid, ugly, lousy wife, and I will still be a good husband and kiss you today.” The man’s wife has more influence on his frame of reference than any other thing or person in life.
Man is driven to succeed. Hormones drive him to be the best at work, to drive aggressively, to build the best building, or to write the finest musical piece. But his most pressing drive is to be a successful lover. Making his wife feel glorious when he touches her is the ultimate test of his manhood-the very measure of the man. He cannot view life differently; that is the way God made him. He needs a wife, a help meet, a helper who will meet the need God put in him. If the wife does not meet his intimacy and sexual needs, she is a help-not-meet, a helper not suitable to the task for which God created her.
No woman really loves her husband if she does not seek to please him in this most important area. If you are not interested in sex, at least be interested in him enough to give him good sex. If you are not loving your man, you’re in danger of blaspheming the word of God -“to love their husbands.” The Bible says, “therefore to him who knows what to do, and not do it, to him it is sin.” James 4:17. Hopefully, you just didn’t realize that your lack of sexual interest in your husband was sin, but now you know.
Your God Ordained Ministry (Christian wife…)
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Pearl,
We enjoy your writings and hope you can help us. Our question is what does a Christ centered, sexually fulfilling, intimate marriage look like? We have an exceptionally wonderful marriage except for intimacy in the sexual. My husband feels that a switch turned off in me after having the children and that I no longer enjoy relations like I used to. I feel he is correct in his assessment of this.
I sometimes feel turned off by the whole act and feel that oral sex is wrong, although I used to enjoy it. We have prayed to the Lord for some sort of guidance with this. My husband has turned off the sexual desire, and so we live as best friends or do everything together except make love. Any help or device you can give us would be greatly appreciated. We both want to get to the bottom of this matter once and for all.
1 Corinthians 7:1-6 (NASB) Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.
The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Dear Mrs. C.,
You would not be writing unless you are both unhappy with your current relationship. You know what is wrong. When you married you signed up to become a minister to his needs. Your life’s work is to minister to your husband. Marriage means becoming one flesh. It does not mean being best friends.
In practice you are not in a marriage relationship with her husband. You and your husband are effectively living in a divorce state, having put each other away. God commands in 1 Corinthian 7 that you don’t defraud each other and give Satan an opportunity for temptation.
God clearly told us that not having regular sex is giving Satan an opportunity to get married couples. Wife, your job is being a minister to your husband and to be his totally enthusiastic sex partner, ready to enjoy him at all times. To do less is a grave error. If you love your husband,…you will always seek to give him pleasure. And in so doing you will fulfill your role as a suitable helper.
When the angel announced to the 89-year-old Sarah that she and Abraham would copulate and have a child, she responded by laughing…pleasure is what Sarah remembered and experienced with her man. She is recorded in Hebrews 11 as one of the pillars of faith.
Sarah’s son, Isaac, got comfort for sorrow after his mother’s death with sexual fulfillment with his new wife, Rebekah (Genesis 24:67)
One entire book of the Bible, the song of Solomon, is dedicated to singing praise to God for the joyful expression of love in the sexual union of a man and his wife. It is so graphic in this description of erotic pleasure that is embarrassing for some to read or hear it read aloud. My husband wrote commentary on it called Holy Sex.
Blaspheming The Written Word Of God
Dear Mr. Pearl,
I would ask a question. Would it be a sin to castrate myself? I’m a husband and father, and I just cannot satisfy myself with my wife because she does not want sex very often. The Bible says when one looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart. Would it not be better in my case to be castrated? I have talked with my wife, and she does not care. I’m tired of sinning.
This is a real letter from a man named Mr. Miller. We were shocked!
What do we tell this man who was willing to lose his manhood to avoid the lust caused by his indifferent wife? The gravity of his wife’s sin is staggering. She has no fear of God Almighty. She has blasphemed the word of God with her selfishness, thinking of only her own needs and not loving her husband. Never, never, never be guilty of such a grave sin. The husband needs to know that God says, “the wife does not have power over her own body but the husband. defraud ye not one the other…that Satan would tempt you…” God grants the marriage partner full access to his spouse’s body for sexual gratification…
A Matter Of Physiology
God made man to need sex. He must be relieved of his built-up sexual desire, even if it means spilling his seed in his sleep. One Corinthians 11:9 states, “neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.” Men are all somewhat different in their sexual needs. If they are sick, tired, stressed, scared, feel rejected, or are even distracted by a big project, their sexual need may be diminished or even put on hold for a week or two…
Healthy food makes a positive difference. Vitamins, herbs, and exercise all play a vital part. Men have enhanced sexual drive after excitement or physical exercise. If he is keyed up with success, he may have a stronger than usual need. Even the weather affects a man’s drives.
A man is negatively affected by a halfhearted response from his wife. The poor guy is never fully relieved and therefore never feels totally satisfied, making him think he is a sexual pervert or something, because he needs sex so often. It is like eating a tiny snack, a little bit here and there, yet never sitting down to eat a big, juicy steak and salad.
A good wife knows that the greater her response, the more pleasurable her man’s orgasm can be, and the more complete and long-lasting will be his satisfaction. When you respond halfheartedly, it says to him, “you only have half of my heart.” A halfhearted response from a wife can turn a sweet, teddy bear of a man into a mean, old dog. It can make a man who is high strung morph into an emotional jerk at work, home, and even church.
God created man with a regular need for a woman, and God commanded the man’s wife to see to it that his need is met, Do your yourself and everyone else a favor, and devote at least 15 minutes every few days to totally pleasing your man.
For a wife to defraud her husband of this vital need that God has instilled in him should cause her to tremble in fear of the consequences. And remember his entire ego is tied up in the sexual experience and to him it is the also the expression of his deepest love for you, the fullest measure of intimacy with you. He can imagine his entire body, soul, and spirit are caught up in the Earth’s “heavenlies” in this one act of sharing that love with you, the very measure of his person.
We ladies all have basically the same hormones. Over the last 50+ years, my hormones have fluctuated some, but I have still been fully a female during all that time. Amazing, isn’t it? Through adolescence, marriage, pregnancies, worse, periods, menopause, you name it, our whole hormones were always there, to maintain us is a female. For the most part, all ladies have the same sexual drives.
Do you love your husband the way he needs loving, the way you were created to love him? If you don’t score high points here, you are providing an opening for your husband to be tempted by other women. It is a man’s duty to walk in truth and have high integrity, but a woman who trusted a man’s ability to endure all things, while providing circumstances that testing to the max, is a fool. It is your duty to fill his sexual needs. His faithful responsibility is to you, and you staying to him are both equally important, and we wives will give an account before God for faithfulness in this area. I call it “ministering” to my husband. He says I am a mighty fine minister.
For a woman, sexual expression starts in her mind and heart. Love is giving up your center, your self-interest. It is choosing another’s needs above your own. A woman chooses to be interested or not interested in her husband’s needs…when a woman’s first commitment is to her own needs and feelings, she is necessarily going to view sex as strictly a carnal experience, for then she does indeed have an entirely hedonistic outlook – her self-gratification.
But if a woman views sex as a ministry to her husband, then it is a selfless act of benevolence. He need not wait until she is stimulated to desire eroticism; she need only seek to fill her husband’s needs. I have a tip for you: when you make your husband’s need central, you will get turned on to the experience yourself. That is the way God meant it to be. The principle is universal. Compare our Christian duties. We don’t minister to others because we are blessed-we minister to others because we want to bless them.
It is completely incidental that the byproduct of selflessly blessing others should result in our being blessed also. Eve was created to be Adam’s helper. It is not in seeking personal fulfillment that she is fulfilled, rather, it is in doing her duty to bless him, that a blessing is returned upon her.
Hormones respond to stimuli. You remember the story of Ruth . She gave her baby to old Naomi to nurse. It is a fact that an old woman who has not had a baby in 20 or more years can produce milk in her breasts and be able to nurse a baby. It just takes the physical stimulation of the baby attempting to nurse to provoke her glance into producing milk. Even a woman who has never been pregnant and nursing baby if a baby stimulates her breast by nursing. It might take a few days, or even a few weeks, but if she sticks with the stimulus, it will work.
I repeat a known medical fact: hormones respond to stimuli. A woman whose heart and mind are focused on pleasing her man has hormones ready to be awakened to answer her husband’s desires. Before those hormones kick in and get active, a good woman should respond with great enjoyment toward her husband, simply because she finds joy in his pleasure.
Don’t talk to me about menopause. I know all about menopause, and it is a lame excuse. Don’t talk to me about how uncomfortable or painful it is for you. Do you think your body is special and has special needs? Do you know who created you, and do you know He is the same God who expects you to freely give sex to your husband?
Stop the excuses! Determine to find a way past your “excuses,” and provide the pleasure your husband wants only from you. Your Creator knows your heart. When you truly love and reverence your husband, the very thought of him loving the likes of you should thrill your soul and make you long to give him pleasure.
If your heart is right with God, you will fall on your knees and lay aside your own selfish, prudish attitude. The hormones are there, ready to be unleashed. Go to your husband with the intention of having a good time with him. A sober woman plans ahead.
You need to read the book Holy Sex by Michael Pearl.
Awake, My Beloved
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Pearl,
When I picked up your book, Holy Sex, I was afraid to read it. I thought he would tell me that what I was feeling was wrong-but you didn’t, and instead you gave me a wonderful gift. We’ve been married for 26 years, and our love is getting better as we grow older. Sex is always been fulfilling; we seek to please each other, I have a wonderful partner in bed, and I am blessed.
Enjoying my husband has always been fine with me, but I’ve experience a deeper longing and a hunger for him. I thought this was wrong. Times when I kissed and touched him from head to toe, were feelings of adoration and sometimes worship of him (note from Marc: obviously this is wrong, but you get the point), and I felt it was wrong. I love him so much, and I desire to pour all of my being into him, I struggled with whether it was right to do so.
There are times when I am so into him at the end of our loving, I weep. He is asking why, and I can’t explain other than, with all that I am, I feel grateful for his love. I feel completely satisfied. You have helped me accept that our Creator designed us to be spirit, soul, body, and that oneness in flesh can be more than physical; it can have a spiritual and emotional essence that is pure.
It was two morning when I finished your book. I woke my beloved and shared myself with him without reservation. I wept in his arms afterwards, and all was good. Thank you for your book, Holy Sex.
Marriage between a man and a woman is a picture of our relationship with Christ. It is a great mystery. The physical union between a man and a woman is so beautiful, so otherworldly, that God uses sexual intercourse to illustrate our relationship with him.
The great mystery includes spiritual closeness, emotional openness, the intensity of feelings, and the act of loving copulation. Marriage in all its completeness is what God chose as an example of Christ and the Church. It wasn’t something figured out by Adam in Eden and passed down through the ages us.
“Marriage is honorable in all and the bed undefiled.” Hebrews 13:4
Brenda’s great satisfaction did not come because her husband was so spiritual, sensitive, or endowed with some special sexual gift. The couple is experiencing what God intends for all married couples. In husband and wife relationships, God always speaks first of the wife, telling her to submit, and then to the husband, to love. Brenda’s relationship with her husband started with her attitude of honor and thanksgiving toward him. You can see where it took her.
Exception: sexual perversions
Anal sex is a homosexual act and no normal man or woman desires this. Use of pornography is a perversion. Any sexual contact with children is a perversion.
Traits Of A Good Helpmeet
- a good helpmeet glories to answer your husband’s needs
- she learns to know his needs even before he is aware he has them.
- she at least reminded the cares of the world saw her body can respond to him with eagerness.
Traits Of A Wife Who Is In Danger Of Blaspheming The Word Of God..
- accuses her husband of lust toward her because he wants sex more than she does.
- accuses her husband of being insensitive when he needs sex and she doesn’t feel the desire.
- excuses for lack of wanting to satisfy him sexually on the grounds that ____ (you fill in the blank. The “excuses list” can be very long)
Make A New Habit
Make a list of personal plans of how you’re going to love your husband. Be sure you come up with lots of bright ideas. I would suggest at least one special day a week. Plan on a different addition to your “birthday suit” each week such as: ribbons, jewelry, lace, jeans, scarves, feathers, ragged T-shirt, a chain of wildflowers, or whatever! Just use your imagination.
Getting Serious With God
The song of Solomon is a 22nd book of the Bible. It is a love song and play that was written by Solomon about his wooing and wedding of the shepherd girl. All eight chapters tell the story and graphic political detail of longing for the lover, finding the lover, and what the lovers did when they were together. Most commentators find a need to turn the passage into a spiritual picture of Christ’s love for the Church.
I sincerely believe that old Solomon was thinking of the sexual expression of his love for her when he wrote it, and I think the same when I read. What do you think? As you read God’s novel about sex, ask yourself if you feel toward her husband the same hunger as a shepherd girl did for her lover. Make a written list of things you are going to do that will start to change your actions. Your feelings will follow suit.
Several Good Reasons To Be Sexy For Your Man
- It’s fun.
- It’s healthy. Studies prove regular sex makes a person healthier.
- It provokes a man to appreciate you.
- It causes him to feel good about himself.
- It mellows a woman out and helps keep her hormones balanced.
- It safeguards your husband from wily, sinful women trying to mark his integrity.
- Children benefit from having a mother and daddy who are terribly in love.
- It is intended by God to be an earthly example of divine worship intimacy.
- It makes sweet babies.
For helpful posts and articles about sex and marriage, click here.
Please comment on this post right below. Feel free to write and proclaim your leadings in the Spirit in an honorable fashion.
Your friend and brother in fighting the good fight,
Saints, we’re one day closer to Home, and Him! Love Him wholeheartedly!
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Please comment on this post right below. Feel free to write and proclaim your leadings in the Spirit in an honorable fashion.
Marc White, Director, Walk Worthy Ministries, www.WalkWorthy.org