Are you, dear brother, seeking a Godly wife with traits described and commanded in the Word of God? This is the normal Christian life for a woman of God. Do not seek nor accept a disrespectful, dishonorable, abusive, rebellious, unholy woman that blasphemes the word of God (Titus 2.5).
The first task for you, dear brother, is to seek God with all your heart each and every day and allow Him to mold you into His diamond. The Lord will not waste a woman of excellence, another diamond He has crafted over the years with the diligent Refiners’ fire, on a lump of coal! A lump of coal will only attract another lump of coal. This is certainly true also for your existing wife if she truly wishes to be godly for Jesus Christ, even if currently she is a lump of coal!
Are you, dear sister, displaying these traits of a Godly wife? If not, beg and beseech the Father that the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ will make you this woman quickly, a diamond for your future or existing husband! This is the normal Christian life for a woman of God.
Some of us are already married to a disrespectful and abusive wife. What then? We’ll tackle that later on in this piece.
See our Biblical interpretation work to understand how God teaches the minimum requirements for the lowest creature. For example, “God is not concerned (solely) about oxen, is He? (1 Cor.9.9). Thus, all other requirements to higher status creatures is assumed.
In addition, if an OT doctrine is not amplified (“…but I say to you…”), negated (He declared all foods clean…), or changed in some way in the NT record, then the OT doctrine is still in effect today.
For almost all, it’s not good for a man to be alone…
Genesis 2:18 Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”
Some people are gifted by God to remain single. This in being free from the divided interest of serving and caring for a spouse and an undistracted devotion to the Lord.
1 Corinthians 7:7 Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am (able to be celibate: abstaining from marriage and sexual relations). However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that.
1 Corinthians 7:32-34 But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.
Is it a good thing for the man to find a Godly wife.
Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a (Godly) wife finds a good thing and obtains favor (grace) from the LORD.
Proverbs 19:14b …a prudent (wise and insightful) wife is from the LORD.
God Has Marriage Requirements And Provides For Divorce If Needed
There is only one passage in the entire Bible that speaks to marriage vows! And this is in the Older Covenant.
God commands marriage minimums for a free Hebrew husband of the second wife who is a slave. Obviously and implied in the heart of God too, this husband and wife is never to abuse, neglect, or abandon the spouse.
Exodus 21:10 If he (the free Hebrew husband) takes to himself another woman (his second wife, the slave wife), he may not reduce her food, her clothing, or her conjugal rights (sex).
All other marriage requirements above the minimums are assumed and required for both the second slave wife, the first free wife, and the husband.
God provides not only financial penalties for the perpetrator spouse in order to save the marriage in the OT, but provides for divorce through a certificate of divorce for the victim if needed. If either spouse becomes the victim of repeated and/or unrepentant abuse, neglect, and/or abandonment, they may leave the marriage without financial obligation to the perpetrator spouse. This doctrine of our Lord is still in effect for today.
Exodus 21:11 “If he (free Hebrew husband) will not do these three things (food, clothing, and conjugal rights, i.e. sex, for her as the second wife who is a slave), then she shall go out for nothing, without payment of money…”
God Has Been Divorced and Remarried
God is a divorcee after divorcing Israel.
Jeremiah 3:8 “And I saw that for all the adulteries of faithless Israel, I had sent her away and given her a writ of divorce, yet her treacherous sister Judah did not fear; but she went and was a harlot also…”
God is remarried to the Israel of God, the new church body of both Judeans and Gentiles.
Galatians 6:16 And those who will walk by this rule, peace and mercy be upon them, and upon the Israel of God.
Revelation 19:7 “Let us rejoice and be glad and give the glory to Him, for the marriage of the Lamb has come and His bride has made herself ready.”
A betrothal, or engagement, to a bride in the Word of God is the same as being married in the eyes of God.
- Believes, trusts, and obeys Jesus Christ – 1 Cor. 7.39, 1 John 2.3-6
- Provides minimal marriage vows: food, clothing, and sex – Exodus 21.10
- Never emotionally, physically, sexually, or financially abuses, neglects, or abandons her husband
- Submissive, subject to own husband in everything (legal, moral, and non-abusive: see the exclusion list at the end of this piece): subject under, to do what he asks, to obey, so that the word of God will not be dishonored, blasphemed – Eph. 5.22-23, Col. 3.18; Titus 2.5; 1 Peter 3.1, 5
- Husband is head of wife like Christ is head of the church – Eph. 5.22
- Husband is won without a word, whether unsaved or saved: by actions only – 1 Peter 3.1
- Pure, chaste: innocent, holy – Titus 2.5; 1 Peter 3.2
- Respect: fears, reverences – Eph. 5.33, 1 Peter 3.2
- Dresses modestly: cloak, a covering – 1 Peter 3.3
- Hidden person of heart: not out in front, aggressive, not a feminist but feminine – 1 Peter 3.4
- Gentle & quiet spirit: imperishable & precious to God – 1 Peter 3.4
- Calling husband “lord:” sir, master – 1 Peter 3.4
- Harmonious – 1 Peter 3.8
- Sympathetic – 1 Peter 3.8
- Humble in spirit – 1 Peter 3.8
- Not returning evil for evil or insult for insult – 1 Peter 3.8
- Giving a blessing instead – 1 Peter 3.8
- Loves her children, brings them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Eph. 6.4), but always places husband first when needed – Titus 2.4, 1 Timothy 5.9
- Sensible: prudent, no nonsense – Titus 2.5
- Worker at home: not outside, unless under extraordinary circumstances – Titus 2.5
- Kind, kindhearted – Prov. 31.26; Titus 2.5; 1 Peter 3.8
- Brotherly love – 1 Peter 3.8
- Having a reputation for good works – 1 Tim. 5.10
- Shown hospitality to strangers – 1 Tim. 5.10
- Assists those in distress – 1 Tim. 5.10
- Devoted herself to every good work, e. washed the saints’ feet, to serve them – 1 Tim. 5.10
- Trustworthy: a wife of excellence – Prov. 31.11
- Works with her hands in delight – Prov. 31.13
- Rises early in the morning – Prov. 31.15
- May be an entrepreneur: she considers a field and buys it – Prov. 31.16
- Works diligently into the night, if need be – Prov. 31.18
- Serves the poor – Prov. 31.20
- Household is clothed, cared for – Prov. 31.21
- Supports her husband – Prov. 31.23
- Strong and dignified in spirit – Prov. 31.25
- Smiles at the future – Prov. 31.25
- Full of wisdom – Prov. 31.26
- Fears the Lord – Prov. 31.30
- People praise her – Prov. 31.31
Many men and husbands, unfortunately, are accustomed to the dysfunction of a contentious woman and wife. They fail to notice or stand up against the abuse of the woman and wife that makes most everything a contest of winner (her) and loser (him).
They wrongly think that as a husband they are laying down their life like Christ. Not so. Christ never let sin go unanswered and let the guilty party off the hook. Never. Ever.
Proverbs 21:9 It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious (strife, contest) woman.
Proverbs 21:19 It is better to live in a desert land than with a contentious and vexing (bitter, angry) woman.
Proverbs 25:24 It is better to live in a corner of the roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
Proverbs 27:15 A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike…
Interesting to note that in the Proverbs there four passages dealing with bad women and only one with bad men!
Proverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish (filled with folly, i.e. lack of good sense) tears (pulls down, destroys) it down with her own hands.
Rebellion Against Submission, And Authority, Is Like Witchcraft
There are few passages in the entire word of God that are as sober and chilling as this passage out of 1 Samuel proclaimed by the prophet Samuel. Yet when a woman as a wife refuses to be always subordinate and submissive to her husband, she is practicing rebellion. God declares this is the same as witchcraft, and full of the world’s ways of wickedness in the idolatry of false worship.
1 Samuel 15:23a “For rebellion is as the sin of divination (witchcraft), and insubordination (pressing, pushing against being subordinate, under anothers commands, wishes) is as iniquity (wickedness) and idolatry (worship of false gods and the world’s ways)…”
Relationship Abuse Defined
Entirely too often there is relationship abuse in marriages, much of it hidden from an unsuspecting and disinterested church body. You can never really know a couple based on an hour or two a week in a church building or someone’s home. There is no substitute for large amounts of time living life with another person to effectively know their lives.
Abuse in often thought to be only physical aggression. This is patently false.
Relationship abuse runs the gamut from hidden domestic verbal sniping to open public murder. It is the sporadic or consistent disrespectful and dishonorable denigration and depreciation of a human being made in God’s image. The abuser-perpetrator can use both deliberate actions and the inaction of neglect and abandonment. All abuse proceeds from a heart deceived by self and/or the demonic.
The practice reveals a conscious or subconscious need for power or fear based control over the victim whereby through the overt or passive-aggressive behavior of intimidation, manipulation, retaliation, and isolation the victim is kept off-balance, confused, disorientated, and defeated.
The results can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social, and physical, although all these elements need not be present for abuse to be a present reality to the victim and their family. Emotional abuse has been proven to be even worse than physical abuse since it can actually kill the victim more slowly without any immediate outward physical signs.
Abuse originating from a female against a male in the West is more prevalent than a male against a female. The female perpetrator is most often never exposed let alone brought to account due to the ongoing embarrassment and resulting shame of the male victim, plus erroneous public perceptions that almost all abuse originates from a male.
Almost any attempt to confront the abuser to bring them to account is normally spurned and dismissed, while the messenger too is abused. Therefore, they are arrogant irreconcilable stonewallers. In the majority of cases, the perpetrator rallies support from people in their sphere whether family, social, church, etc., both unaware or in direct collusion, and this larger alliance further victimizes the victim.
The abuser rarely changes, if ever. All abuse is sin in the kingdom of God, but not all sin is abuse.
Warning Signs of Abusive Disrespect That Save Later Heartache
Just because opposites attract doesn’t mean you should marry one! Here are but a few of the obvious warning signs…
- Snipes or even raises voice at you and others.
- Corrects you often, also in front of others.
- Talks derogatorily of others behind their back with no intention of speaking with them about the problem.
- No cooperation in important decisions.
- Overly possessive of your time.
- Contends against you for spending time with others or with Godly desires.
- Wants to make all the decisions.
- Is pushy and aggressive.
- Gives undue attention to attractive men.
- Acts like a feminist, and superior to men in general.
- Her mother practices most of these things too, and is no prize herself.
This disrespect has been going on for thousands of years, since the advent of sin. Here below in the word of God we have even a queen disrespecting the king of the known world at the time, Ahasuerus, or as those in the west say it, Xerxes. These wise men in the passage knew the example of Queen Vashti would fuel a wide range of disrespect throughout their kingdom much the same as it does today.
Esther 1:18 “This day the ladies of Persia and Media who have heard of the queen’s conduct will speak in the same way to all the king’s princes, and there will be plenty of contempt and anger…”
So, we know she was replaced by a sovereign move of God with Esther. She certainly treated the king with respect and honor for he could have any women in the world as his next queen. We know this to be true since at the end of her biblical account she approaches his throne without permission and he extends his scepter to her without taking her life.
Carefully notice the king’s response as she breaks the well-known law and risks her life. This is a woman who has won her husband without a word, and by her chaste and respectful behavior which is precious in the sight of God.
Esther 4:15-16 Then Esther told them to reply to Mordecai, “Go, assemble all the Jews who are found in Susa, and fast for me; do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maidens also will fast in the same way. And thus I will go in to the king, which is not according to the law; and if I perish, I perish.”
Esther 5:1-3 Now it came about on the third day that Esther put on her royal robes and stood in the inner court of the king’s palace in front of the king’s rooms, and the king was sitting on his royal throne in the throne room, opposite the entrance to the palace.
When the king saw Esther the queen standing in the court, she obtained favor in his sight; and the king extended to Esther the golden scepter which was in his hand. So Esther came near and touched the top of the scepter. Then the king said to her, “What is troubling you, Queen Esther? And what is your request? Even to half of the kingdom it shall be given to you.”
It’s not a matter of if she obeys God. Most everyone, even unsaved pagans, can obey a command of God now and then. The vital question is how often does she walk worthy of her Lord and Savior? The mark of a real Christian is how often they joyfully submit to a deed or work that they would not necessarily choose. In short, how often are they sacrificially serving? Or are they primary a selfish server doing what they desire without a genuine sacrifice?
Would your prospective wife suffer silently with joy and win you as husband without a word if she was required to have sex every day if need be? With biblical oral sex even if she considered this gracious act of service to be distasteful? What about no church services? Watching TV every night with the kids? Even some questionable programs, etc.?
You will notice in this picture that life is represented either in a walk with God or with his enemy. On a scale of -10 to +10, where does she spend most of her time according to God’s commands for wives and women?
We firmly believe most so-called Christians live from +2 to -5 on this continuum. And that is dangerous to say the least. Many are in spiritual no-man’s land. And that often leads to apostasy and being cast into the lake of fire (1 Tim. 4.1).
Here in this passage is how our brother the apostle Paul describes the required sacrificial service in one of the three places he proclaims we are to walk worthy.
Ephesians 4:1-3 Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
Please remember this illustration is a visual reminder of our entire life on a path, or continuum, of daily works for God…or Satan. Where do you find yourself, dear one? Where is the woman you want to marry? Or your current wife?
Now, if either spouse would ever abuse the other consistently in the -5 to -10 area, the victim would be allowed to separate from the perpetrator and bring church discipline. There may even be broken marriage vows in the sight and God. If unrepentant and consistent abuse, God provides for divorce. Let us recall He, the perfect Husband, divorced abusive and unrepentant Israel.
Creating & Ranking A List of Her Important Traits
Some of your most important traits in a prospective wife are not even mentioned in the Word verbatim. Some examples might be: loves children, gets along well with your parents and siblings, enjoys spending time alone being quiet, reading, etc. with you, enjoys your church body, will pray with you in the early morning, will enjoy being active and playful in the bedroom after marriage, never sexually aggressive in any way before marriage, actively desires to work out disagreements, will not be vengeful if sinned against, etc.
Another vital aspect is to prioritize these traits and rank them on a scale of 1-10. Personally, I use three areas for important decision making: Needs, Wants, and Wishes. Needs are non-negotiable and need to be present with a high ranking too to even be considered. Wants are desired and important but not deal breakers if missing. Wishes are like whipped cream on the top on your favorite dessert in that they are an extra delight if present.
In other words, what causes you optimum joy and stress.
What if a Need trait is not being displayed at all or in the fashion you would like? Does she have a heart to please no matter what? Does she see the importance of working on this Need trait in order to prove her devotion? Well, that’s an encouraging sign then!
Please feel free to use this Trait and Ranking Evaluation Checklist (TREC) for each potential candidate. This is a “trek” that you definitely want to take! You may download in PDF form here.
|Potential Wife’s Name:|
|Example: Submits in everything, and joyfully when she might disagree|
|Carefully obeys the commands of Jesus Christ & the apostles, especially Matthew 5-7, and all the marriage passages|
|Submits in everything, and joyfully when she might disagree|
|Enjoys God’s ways vs eager for the world’s ways|
|Listens carefully to any reproof or rebuke about her life, and repents quickly, easily, & thoroughly without bitterness or retaliation|
|Your Personal Vision – shared, understood, agreement|
|Servant type: sacrificial vs. selfish|
|Angry at abuses in God’s kingdom vs. personal slights|
|Weathered several deep crisis’s depending on the Lord vs. falling to pieces|
|Willing to change for you vs. stubborn|
|Willing to win you without a word vs. fuss and nag|
|Supports you wholeheartedly vs open disrespect, even silent pouting|
|Encourages and admires you daily vs. taken for granted|
|Listens carefully with honor vs depreciate with disrespect|
|Defers to you in all decision making vs. taking charge no matter what|
|Supports you seeing other brothers, & your desires with your spare time|
|Gives up her disrespectful friends without gripe|
|Pure, chaste, modest vs. loose, immodest flaunting|
|Sex: willingly twice weekly, 100 times a year for the next 50 years, 5,000 times|
|Sex enjoyment: eager vs. chore|
|Sexual activity: oral, and experimental vs. Victorian prudish|
|Children & Family|
|Parents love you vs. oppose you|
|Her children & family love you vs. oppose you|
|Disciplines children correctly|
|Housekeeping & Health|
|Healthy & natural living vs. unhealthy|
|Good housekeeper vs. messy|
|Good cook vs. poor cook|
|Natural Foods vs. poor foods|
|Early to bed vs. too late|
|Exercise: daily, gym rat or couch potato|
|Types of vacation: outdoors vs. indoors|
|Temperament (or Combination) desired – Lion (Do it now, aggressive), Beaver (Be right, cautious), Golden Retriever (Helpful, people pleaser), Otter (Fun, scattered)|
|Spiritual gifts – compliment vs. conflict|
|Your ministries compatible with hers vs. incompatible and conflict|
|Institutional church or home church|
|Risk Levels – in Personal, Family, & Business: Seeking, Avoiding, or Varies on situation|
|Employee or entrepreneur|
|Work outside or home|
|Joyful vs. melancholy and complaining|
|Quiet & gentle vs. loud, flamboyant|
|Big picture or detail|
|Start only or finish|
|Change or static|
|Team or solo|
|Quick or deliberate|
|Small piece only or whole|
|React or plan|
|If divorced, it was biblical vs. unbiblical & must wait to remarry her former spouse if he is still unmarried|
|Thoughts and Observations about this prospective wife:
You may download this Trait and Ranking Evaluation Chart (TREC) in PDF form here.
How Do You Find This Wife?
Are you, dear brother, pursuing the Lord with all your heart so He can make you a diamond? Why would He waste another diamond He has prepared on a lump of coal? We recall a diamond is a lump of coal under pressure for many years! You may certainly connect with us at our ministry to seek guidance and discipleship in becoming the Lord Christ’s diamond!
Are you living a life of utmost holiness where you go and sin no more? Are you in prayer that beg and beseeches Him? Are you in His Holy Word? Are you in discipleship, or pursuing it diligently? Are you meeting corporately with other believers if possible? Are you working or seeking to provide an adequate and simple living for a Godly wife and possible children?
Remember: do not seek to “date” a women. Beg and beseech God. Listen to Him closely. Learn to discern the schemes of our enemy. Ask your circle of people that you are actively looking to marry. Describe in general the wife you desire. Spend time in Christian groups that walk worthy to find or evaluate your prospective wife. Do not be alone with her. Ever. Always be in public places.
When you find a prospective wife, be candid with your intentions for possible marriage and using courtship vs, “dating” as a way to discern the Lord’s will for both of you. Review the traits you desire over several sessions with her and others who can advise in true biblical wisdom. Listen to her traits for a Godly husband. Watch closely her walk with the Lord and how she handles adversity over time. If you think she is one who would be a holy wife, be sure to get her parents or guardians permission and blessing!
Many use these type of sources to find and meet their spouse: current circle of Christian friends, church gatherings, work, ministries you know well, online Christian dating services, online Christian blogs, social media, even stores you frequent…
Many feel that due to the rampant feminism in the western culture and church in particular that second generation immigrants, and those from Asian and Mexican backgrounds may be more suitable for a long lasting marriage where the husband is revered and honored.
When You Are Already Married to A Disrespectful and Abusive Wife
This is an extremely hard situation, which is no surprise to those caught in it. In the west where many currently live, over 90% of the Christian women I know are “feminists.” There is a war between men and women. If a young lady were to be saved or repent and seek to be a truly respectful wife, currently there are less than five respectful wives I would suggest for her to learn the ways of holy submission and joyful holiness with a husband.
Fast and pray to the Lord for strength and wisdom to deal effectively with a disrespectful and dishonorable wife. Seek brothers in the Lord who walk worthy and covenant to beg and beseech the Lord for her deliverance. Repent of any unholy activity so your prayers are not hindered (1 Peter 3.7).
When prepared, bind the enemy and approach your wife with the history of her disrespect. Give, once again, specific examples. Do not react in unrighteous anger or continue to argue with her…again. Continue to seek the Lord for her deliverance and a real breakthrough. Wait on Christ.
If you see a real change, surround yourself with whomever is wise, holy, and will walk with you two in maturity and in a daily way both in person and by phone. Seek the Lord together with her. Thank Him for the progress. Thank her for the progress.
Do not, ever, give up, and give the enemy any foothold again.
There are times when the wife will not amend her ways and actually increases her abuse of you and perhaps even the children too. The Lord knows your heart for unity and peace. Perhaps, as in many cases, your marriage vows are already broken as God sees it. You may be married in the eyes of the civil magistrates, but not in the eyes of our Lord God.
If we here at Walk Worthy can be of help in any way in your troubled times, feel free to reach out to us.
We pray that your search for a Godly wife, or seeking to turn your current marriage into one that God may be truly say is of His way, will result in praise to His glory! Remember that when many around you, even in His self-professing church. have succumbed to the world’s ways, we too are convinced of better things for you…to finally inherit all the promises of our Lord and Savior!
Hebrews 6:9-12 But, beloved, we are convinced of better things concerning you, and things that accompany salvation, though we are speaking in this way. For God is not unjust so as to forget your work and the love which you have shown toward His name, in having ministered and in still ministering to the saints. And we desire that each one of you show the same diligence so as to realize the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you will not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises.
Again, we provide this submission exclusion list for wives and others. Illegal activities: illegal drug, use, falsifying tax returns, stealing, etc. Immoral activities: Anal sex, group sex, pornography, lying, etc. Abusive: repeated physical, emotional, sexual, financial disrespect, dishonor, degradation, neglect, and/or abandonment.
Please download this entire article here!
Please download just the Trait Ranking and Evaluation Chart (TREC) here.
Submission is one of the most misunderstood doctrines in the Christian faith. Learn about its proper use here. Submission to a husband, saved or unsaved, is also widely misunderstood and wreaks havoc in the body of Christ. Learn about its proper use here.
See our Resources page for articles, posts, books, and videos for marriage, divorce, and remarriage.
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Your friend and brother in fighting the good fight,
Saints, we’re one day closer to Home, and Him! Love Him wholeheartedly!
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Please comment on this post right below. Feel free to write and proclaim your leadings in the Spirit in an honorable fashion.
Marc White, Director, Walk Worthy Ministries, www.WalkWorthy.org