Are you unmarried now? Or in your current marriage are there significant physical limitations preventing you from the physical intimacy of sexual love at this point in time? If so in either case, then perhaps you want to pass on reading this article if it might cause you to stumble in your walk with God. Please seek the Spirit for His guidance if He wants you to continue.
Are your physical marriage “celebrations” extremely satisfying? Or are they so-so? Or might there be a real problem?
Are you a wife who feels mostly unloved, and even demeaned, by her husband? Is he harsh, and bitter towards you? Does he worship sports or his job? Or both? Is he AWOL with the kids, church, and developing a deeper walk with God? So therefore, it’s really tough to display sexual, erotic love? Maybe you find love making “celebrations” downright revolting with your husband?
Is your life with him in general just boring and routine with little imagination or variety?
Are you freezing him out of the bedroom as a weapon in response? Or in retaliation to arguments? Could this be a major cause for his attitude and actions toward you?
Are you a husband who feels greatly disrespected since your wife virtually ignores your sexual needs and appetites? Is your wife just ambivalent to the whole thing, hardly ever initiating physical contact? Do you feel frozen out of your own bed, and/or she being just too tired? Maybe she’s putting most of her energy, say 99.9%, into the kids and/or grand kids?
Or worse yet, into the church? Is this her real lover at heart? Do you feel deeply in your own heart you have to compete with everybody for your wife’s affections, and a little bit of bedroom time?
Are you putting more and more time into your work? And into your sports? And into your hobbies? And even your church activities? Is the blasted TV on most of the time in the bedroom?
Do you just feel disrespected, demeaned, and fighting more often than not to be understood and to have a real voice?
Are you being tempted to look at other women? Have you fallen prey to the wiles of pornography since your sexual needs are going unfulfilled? Yikes….
This article is not about severe and significant problems like physical or high emotional abuse. Or sexual perversion. If this is you, please seek immediate help. A separation may be in order for a time.
God is the author of holy pleasure. And we know rightly that He loves His creatures beyond our understanding, and this plays out in His multiple ways of pleasing us. And what pleasure might that bring Him?
Every good and perfect gift originates from His infinite mind, His generous heart, His indescribable patience, and His justifiable wrath that lovingly separates the wheat from the chaff, and any hint of evil from righteousness.
In the mind of God from eternity past there has always existed unique and seemingly bizarre methods (at least to human beings) to bring loving pleasure to Himself and His creatures. One is physical suffering in the human condition with victorious overcoming under extreme circumstances.
Another is contented praise in loneliness when waiting for the Lord to answer. These are but a few of the ways He lovingly grows our character through trustful faith.
And we can be assured when we find pleasure in His ways, He finds pleasure in our pleasure with Him! Don’t we do the same when our children respond to us similarly?
Holy sex is God’s idea, and we say to Him, “Go, God!” Thank you, dear Father, for this precious and satisfying gift.
After all, He could have made procreation mundane and boring, like gathering the same tasting manna day after day. Those creatures in the animal kingdom do so only out of instinct and sustainability. But He choose to make it probably the most physically and emotionally satisfying pleasure known to a married man and woman who truly love each other and desire to be one in Him. You most likely know exactly what I mean!
The Father’s eternal purpose of full restoration of His perfect kingdom to Himself is wrapped up in holy sex. It’s the vehicle that He allows us to enjoy, to be fruitful, and multiply, so that He can draw all people to Himself. He then can save a few on the narrow road, populate His kingdom with loyal subjects, and afterwards turn the kingdom back over to Jesus to reign as the King of kings and Lord of Lords.
To Adam and Eve, He commands:
Genesis 1:27-28 God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. God blessed them; and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
To Noah, He commands:
Genesis 9:1,7 And God blessed Noah and his sons and said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth….”As for you, be fruitful and multiply; Populate the earth abundantly and multiply in it.”
As a young boy of 10 or so, I was introduced to sex by finding a discarded pornographic magazine in the alley one summer day in Chicago where I grew up. I hid it for days in my fathers’ workshop and returned to feast upon it daily. My unsaved parents never spoke with me about sex, so I learned about it on the street. Literally. And it took a long time until I was saved to not view it as mostly “dirty.” I’d venture to say a number of you have had the same experience.
It’s high time we overcome the devil and his schemes in this area, no?
Now, stay with me here if you will. This may be a difficult concept at first, but….
God is there in the marriage bed with you and your spouse, not turning His head in shame or because sex is somehow “dirty.” He’s fully engaged as an interested bystander, in your spirit with His Holy Spirit. Of course, we’re assuming you’re using this priceless gift in a proper, honorable, and holy way. Not in some wacko, perverted way.
I assume God loves the pleasure we bring Him when His idea of holy sex is obediently celebrated in our most holy matrimony! Becoming one physically with our spouses in some spiritual way communicates to us the intimacy, humility and vulnerability of God’s relationship desires with His children.
Most of us probably don’t think of sex in that perfect and mature way. There’s a murky history that was most likely introduced by the world. Can you join with me in asking Jesus for more grace to overcome past history that may be blocking your enjoyment?
And let’s recall:
“Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” (Hebrews 13:4)
His word proclaims we can supremely “pleasure” Him in every way. Every way, dear friends, includes holy sex:
Col. 1:9-10 For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God
And yet, He is the author of all our pleasure: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So, our great God is the God of all wonderful things. And in that list He provides for our journey here on His earth, few are more pleasurable than His original, unique, and bizarre idea of holy sex!
Agreed? Go God!
In the New Testament record, God addresses the wives first. There’s a reason for this, woman. You’re influence over men is astronomical.
Dear wife, do you want your husband to love you more? Or better? Or at all? Look first to your own life and ask the Holy Spirit if you’re respecting your husband in offering (and enjoying) holy sex as you ought.
Chances are you’re not. And that is the biggest form of disrespect in his life. Trust me on this one. Most Christian men I know are sexually starving, or at least way, way underweight in this area.
But..but..you say, you don’t know this man. You’re right. But I dare say that if we as believers get the beams out of our own eyes first, we can see clearly to obey in other ways. Grace upon grace is promised to flow.
Respect him here. We know you love him in your way. Love him in this way, his way. It’s the way most important to him. And to God for you to please God. It may be your cross to carry until God changes your husband’s heart and make it truly enjoyable. Your body belongs to him until death do you part. It may be the “worse” part in the “for better or worse.” It’s good to remember Paul’s admonition:
1 Cor. 7:3-5 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
If you drive him, dear wife, to another woman or a prostitute or to pornography because of your lack of sacrificial Calvary sexual love, God will in part hold you responsible for causing him to stumble when you meet Him at His throne (2 Cor. 5:10). Say NO, wives, to the unnecessary distractions and serve your husband here. Serve him. Be a real help meet. Stop all the church stuff and social media and girl friends, etc.
Get enough rest. Take care of yourself. For goodness sakes, lose that weight once and for all. God will make a way. We males are visual, you know. Blame God for making us this way, if you dare. It’s His fault, right? Your first job is your husband, not the kids or the church, for heaven’s sake. Hearing “well done” depends on it.
Finally, stop nagging him. It’s total demonic disrespect. It will only drive him further to anger and/or underground. Why not try something biblical, by winning him without a word (1 Peter 3)? Accompanied with lots and lots of prayer. And praise him every day for at least one thing. Does he work at a job every day? Does he refrain from beating you every week? Ok, there’s two quick ones out of 365 a year!
OK, men. Your turn in the barrel.
You must give yourself up for her. Like dying to yourself. Like Christ. Be like Jesus. Not like Bill Gates chasing money and egotistical renown. Or Tim Tebow sinfully taunting his competition. Or NASCAR and all their worldly shenanigans. Or even hunting or fishing. Or anything that continuously gets in the way.
She is your first and most important job until death do you part. But..but…she’s a (fill in the blank.) Yes, perhaps. How are you contributing in ways you can’t (or refuse) to see? Pray and fast, practice being quiet and listening, then ask her what she sees in you. Don’t defend right yet. Listen. Listen. Listen some more. And then go seek the Spirit. And those who know you. Fix yourself first. Get the beam out. It’s God’s will.
Ask her to forgive you. For everything. And stop being so boring and fast in bed. You know, slam bam…Love her slooooooooooooooow. That’s part of living with her in an understanding way. And not getting your prayers hindered.
Fix some of the stuff around the place she’s been asking you about forever. Spend time, lots of time, with her and the kids. Stop spending all, or most of, your time in church if you’re so inclined. Read the Word with her. Lead in prayer with the family in both the AM and PM. Do something unexpected. Get one of those 1000 Ways to Love Your Wife books. They’re real good.
Turn off the TV. Turn off the internet. If you’re one of the many addicted to porn and headed for perdition, get the brothers in your life together to help you confess, pray, be delivered, and kept accountable. Begin it today, dear brother, before God cuts you off in His wrath. Memorize Paul’s warning to himself in 1 Cor. 9:27 so he wouldn’t become a reprobate.
Take out the garbage every day, not just once to make a statement. Keep the toilet seat down. Hang up your clothes every day. Buy her some flowers. Help her in the garden. Sing hymns and spiritual songs with her.
Hey, lose the gut, brother. Get yourself in shape first. Go to bed earlier, and take a long walk in the morning before work. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and eating for comfort. Hey, that’s a weakness of mine too but I’m now back real close to my ideal weight after almost 4 decades. You can do it too.
Praise her for her spiritual gifts. For her cooking. For her smile. For graciously putting up with your requirements (demands?) for sex over the years when you knew she was dead tired, and when your body was not clean to her. For the 100’s (1000’s?) of ways she’s lightened your load. For how she helps with the kids.
Don’t nag her about her weight. What if she died tonight? Think carefully about that. Pray for her in this area.
And…take care of your personal hygiene. There’s nothing worse, I understand, from women then dirty, smelly, disheveled men that want sex. Carefully and thoroughly clean your body at night before bed, even if you’re not up for sex. Carefully and thoroughly are the operative words. Love her in this understanding way.
Prove it to her you care. Talk is cheap, pal. Pay particular attention to your genitals, your butt, your underarms, and shave your stubble or trim the beard. What did you do in this way on your wedding night? Do you remember? So what’s different now? What if God treated us with boredom and complacency after a few years? Ask for more grace, and obey.
Praise her for her great sexual response when she begins responding to you since you now consistency do your job for God. Maybe you’ll hear “well done” now when the time comes to stand in front of Jesus. You won’t if you fail to do your #1 job here and now.
How do you feel at work when someone you have to depend on just dogs it day in and day out? Angry? Frustrated? You bet….how do you think she may feel? She may be fearful and scared of you and your temper. If she is I guarantee you your kids are terrified too, and probably your co-workers. Repent. The demons will flee from you. God will deliver you if you seek Him. Perhaps others might help you here too. Nothing is too hard for Jesus. I know this firsthand, He delivered me some years ago.
Cuddle with her tonight, and tomorrow morning, and don’t ask for or require sex. Do this often. And she just might respond in kind over time. You be consistent. Trust me on this. God always rewards us, sometimes later, when we obey Him. But He’ll test you first to see what’s in your heart long term.
Michael Pearl’s book “Holy Sex” is stimulating. It’s biblical too! ORDER HERE
But more so is the Song of Solomon:
May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine.
Your oils have a pleasing fragrance, your name is like purified oil; draw me after you and let us run together! The king has brought me into his chambers.”
How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much better is your love than wine, And the fragrance of your oils than all kinds of spices! Your lips, my bride, drip honey; honey and milk are under your tongue, and the fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.
Your two breasts are like two fawns, Twins of a gazelle which feed among the lilies. Until the cool of the day when the shadows flee away, I will go my way to the mountain of myrrh And to the hill of frankincense.
Whew! Will someone open a window here?
Men, try having a weekly date night. You make sure it happens. My wife and I have had 20+ years of date nights. We rarely missed a week. No talk about the kids, or grand kids. Well, almost none – if we get off track – we remember our rule: she and I are the focus for the night. Don’t answer the cell phone. If it’s an emergency, they’ll call 3 times in a hurry anyway if it’s vital.
Don’t fool with the kids when you get home. Have the baby sitter put them to bed. If they’re older, do as we did, and tell them “we’re not to be disturbed.” Smile, take each other’s hand and go lock the bedroom door. Many an argument has melted and been solved in a Godly way as my wife and I have came together to “celebrate” God’s gift to us.
Can I get a bit personal here? Sometimes, my wife and I would laugh loudly still in our embrace after a tremendous orgasm because it’s just so much pleasure. Does God laugh with us too? I believe He does! Someday I want to ask Him about this!
In the Song of Solomon we have a deeply curious passage in the beginning of the 5th chapter where, in reality, God is speaking to the married sexual lovers as they make sexual love. Right in the presence of the Almighty, the author of all sexual pleasure! Unfortunately, the translators missed this gem, and wrongly attributed the last part of verse 1 to bridegroom Solomon:
Song of Songs 5:1b “…Drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers.”
How did God make it so enjoyable? How did He do that?! I mean..He loves us, He created us, died for us, saved us, lives in us. He’s the King, and He’s full of wonder….wonder-full. Praise His holy name and thanks to Him for His holy sex.
And please….turn the TV off. For sure in the bedroom. And tomorrow do yourself a grace and take it out of the bedroom…forever. Would you please consider these words of wisdom? Please? Every marriage we know in trouble has a TV in their bedroom. So did every divorced couple we know. It’s pure poison there.
Holy sex is God’s idea, and we say to Him, “Go, God!.” Thank you, dear Father, for this precious and satisfying gift.
We realize you may be in a position where the marriage is in such difficulty it may be a long while until this recovers. Or you may be married to a stonewaller who is accusing you wrongly of sin and refusing to hear you out. And your spouse may have brought other church people into the fray, confusing the issue. Pray like there’s no tomorrow. And reach out to others to help yourself too.
Unless you’re physically unable, why not have a great time tonight with your married beloved, beloved?! And be sure to remember to praise God for this most excellent gift. The gift that keeps on giving.
Just thank Him…and let us know how it goes! Without the details, of course. Just the results in your relationship only!
You may see more about holy sex here.
These books are excellent and very revealing:
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Your friend and brother in fighting the good fight,
Saints, we’re one day closer to Home, and Him! Love Him wholeheartedly!
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Please comment on this post right below. Feel free to write and proclaim your leadings in the Spirit in an honorable fashion.