I’m really frustrated with certain people in my church and family. They just won’t listen to any other opinion on how God may what us to think or act. And then they blame me for not agreeing with them. Man, they’re pushy. Could they be those stonewallers you’re talking about? I want to be a seeker, but these Christians have me wondering. They seem to attack when you question anything they say. What gives?
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Dear brother,
Thanks for your courage in connecting. No, brother, you’re not alone or losing your mind! As a good friend and brother describes, this phenomenon we know as stonewalling is pandemic. He goes on to say almost all Christians are on auto-pilot. I’d add that any honorable discussion is made undiscussable. And their undiscussability is also made undiscussable.
It’s their way or the highway. And…they depreciate you along the way making you feel the whole thing is your fault! . “It’s so clear,” they proclaim. Of course it is – it’s their own opinion. Who are you to say anything?
Pretty tricky.
And pretty demonic.
Spiritual arrogance is pride of the worse sort. I know it firsthand. I’ve practiced it. And been delivered. But, on occasion, I or others can point out I can still fall into it.
What follows are some definitions of a seeker and stonewaller plus the key traits of the practicing stonewaller. And then I finish up with a short exhortation.
A seeker is one who:
- advocates his-her opinion rigorously and humbly while seeking honorable feedback and others opinions until stonewalled by others,
- actively seeks new information that brings clarity and truthful unity,
- lovingly admonishes-teaches others while first seeking to remove the log in his-her own eye in the area they’re speaking about, and
- knows he-she stonewalls on occasion and seek to limit it with the Spirit’s help!
A stonewaller is one who
- practices advocating his-her opinion only to get the other to agree,
- refuses new information and evidence,
- accuses other people of not listening if they don’t completely agree,
- never thinks he-she practices stonewalling, and
- attacks others who suggest he-she may indeed be doing this!
Practicing Christian stonewallers:
- have their minds made up on cherished doctrines-opinions, often hiding behind “the Bible is clear,” and only seek to verify their opinions, while astonished they might be a stonewaller.
- when presented with a Biblical communication model around Acts 15, they often refuse to apply it to their own method when they teach or admonish you.
- consistently ignore or refuse to listen carefully and thoroughly to your opinion of doctrine and/or admonishment about them, while advocating-pushing their opinions only, coming back at you with things they dislike, while rolling over you in a dishonorable way.
- claim you’re “not listening” or you’re a “stonewaller,” (if you introduced them to that term) when you don’t-can’t agree with their opinion-accusation.
- proclaim “the Bible is clear” regarding their opinion-accusation, while often demeaning any Hebrew-Greek word meanings and commentaries that would help, plus refusing to search together over time for the Lord’s mind using the Bible and other sources.
- accuse you of hypocrisy (saying one thing and doing the opposite) while themselves often practice the same by refusing to consider even a speck in their own eye.
- eventually make your concerns against them undiscussable when you try to bring them back to your initial point, and they see you’re not fully agreeing at this time.
- make their undiscussability undiscussable when you point out they’re stonewalling tactics as they often redouble their attack on you, even as you have lovingly, rigorously, and effectively point these things out to them.
- eventually, a) avoid the issue but continue to snipe at you, or b) refuse to gather with you, or c) put you out, further splitting the church and often continuing with their group built around a main doctrine (or 2 or 10) and/or personality that practices at least several of the 7 characteristics of a cult.
You’re a valuable member of the body of Christ, dear brother. You have the complete 100% Holy Spirit. You deserve to be heard. Don’t give up your opinion if you’re not persuaded by other honorable Christians, and the Spirit. Don’t let anyone steal that – Satan’s job description is destruction. God gives hope. You will be delivered.
But don’t fall into the trap of practicing stonewalling in your supreme frustration. Forgive their stuff, and move on to other fruit God will provide. Even in your own family. Let them be.
Life is all about suffering. Leap for joy in your sadness and loneliness. Pray for relief, and that God will bring those brethren who have been through the fire of stonewalling relationships.
We’re so sorry you’re going through this. Jesus weeps with you, dear one. He knows. The Bible, as well as modern life, is full of stonewallers. May it not be so with us.
There comes a time, maybe near the beginning, to refrain…and not cast your pearls before pigs. And give what is holy to the dogs. Terrible words aimed at sinning believers or self-professing Christians.
Here’s a piece we did on casting your pearls:
DO NOT CAST YOUR PEARLS: ABOUT PIGS & DOGS [MONDAY MANNA 101]
Please comment on this post right below. Feel free to write and proclaim your leadings in the Spirit in an honorable fashion.
Your friend and brother in fighting the good fight,
Marc
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Saints, we’re one day closer to Home, and Him! Love Him wholeheartedly!
You may view our Archives here: DEAR BRETHREN – ARCHIVES; Complete Archives; feel free to write and proclaim your leadings in the Spirit in an honorable fashion. May our Father richly bless you with His grace, through Jesus Christ our Lord, in order to walk worthy of His name.
Jeff Myers says
Marc,
Very interesting definition of stonewalling, and those that do it to another in a very subtle or cloaked manner. I witnessed first hand how those in organized religion react if you are not in complete agreement with their doctrine. I questioned my ELCA Pastor ex wife about the harm in the statement of accepting Christ into your heart. She thought that was terrible. It isn’t up to a mere mortal to allow Christ into their heart, that Grace was unconditional and any thought contrary to that was sinful or at best not to be tolerated.
I was made to feel I had said something terribly wrong and misguided. Not being theologically educated, I backed off. I tried to explain where my thought pattern was. I have always felt that God is a gracious and forgiving God, but I know others may not be quite there yet on their faith journey. I felt some people may have lived such a violent or sinful life that they do not think about God or Christ on any level. Our prisons are full of people like that, and I know you have experienced that first hand in your prison ministry. I brought this up to other clergy. I went on to explain that some people are so lost that they are looking for something that may turn their lives around. They have tried things their way, and life has not worked out too well.
Perhaps a willingness to just listen to what others have to say is all the opening they need to start their faith journey. Those lost people may hear God’s word, and come to the realization that there might be something to this. Their natural suspicion of someone talking about their own faith journey literally goes away, because the person talking to them isn’t doing this for any personal or financial gain. There is absolutely no scam going on. Their belief in God grows, and they have had to come to a decision that there is something to all this talk of Jesus, and the promise of salvation. At this point it may not be faith, but at least there is a small level of belief. In essence that non believer has opened their mind and heart up to learning more about God and his teachings.
A mere shred of belief grows into faith, and this person may experience true peace for the first time in their lives. Acceptance was the first step by a person that has experienced a less than fulfilling life. I thought my observation held merit, but the pastor did not agree. I did point out that sometime in the pastor’s life, she made a decision to become more involved in the church eventually going to seminary and becoming ordained. To accomplish that, you had to have a fairly strong belief in God. You had to have faith because you accepted the gospel as the truth. You actually opened your heart and mind to the teachings written in the bible. How is that different from a convicted prisoner that opens their heart and mind to His teachings?
The pastor told me I was just wrong, and refused to buy into any idea that a person that had self proclaimed they were guilty of sin was capable of allowing Jesus to come into their life. It was not up to the individual. However, based on what I read in your message, this would seem to be a case of stonewalling.
jesusislord says
Brother Jeff,
Yes, indeed. Your example here is a classic tactic of the “AISS’s” as I call them: arrogant irreconcilable sarcastic stonewallers. Your thoughts on a person just listening to begin some others faith journey is an excellent summation! People are so starved for real and honorable servant love, accompanied with true truth, that when it shows up they are often overwhelmed. I find the worst of the lot of stonewallers are leaders, and in particular those of a trained religious persuasion. Sinful pride to lord it over another sends that person who practices it to hell, then the lake of fire. It’s a serious as it gets.
Let’s remember our Lord through the apostle Paul gave us a remedy and a way out – to avoid these people; and the only ones we’re to avoid are the church people who are in no man’s land drifting to apostasy for they are “rejected” in regard to real saving faith die to their depraved mind: 2 Timothy 3:1-9 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; avoid such men as these. For among them are those who enter into households and captivate weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses, always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these men also oppose the truth, men of depraved mind, rejected in regard to the faith. But they will not make further progress; for their folly will be obvious to all, just as Jannes’s and Jambres’s folly was also.
Tough but holy words of love for those actually obeying God. Press on, dear brother!
Brother Marc